* Healing Trauma In Ourselves And Our World – part 1

* The first in a series of articles about the effects of childhood abuse and neglect on the world and on the individual, Adam shares his personal story, while he and Aireen paint a picture of what it means to treat children with love and respect while honoring the children we once were. *

 

THE HOT POTATO
Serving Up a Weekly Helping of
Sustainable & Organic Gardening, Food, Health, and Community

by Adam Brockman & Aireen Joven, June 2007, #20

THIS WEEK’S DISH:

The Peace To End All Wars:
Healing Trauma In Ourselves And Our World – part 1

 

“Take the hand of your child and invite her to go out and sit with you on the grass. The two of you may want to contemplate the green grass, the little flowers that grow among the grasses, and the sky. Breathing and smiling together – that is peace education. If we know how to appreciate these beautiful things, we will not have to search for anything else. Peace is available in every moment, in every breath, in every step.” – Thich Nhat Hanh, Buddhist Monk, from Peace is Every Step

 

 

THIS IS A VERY difficult article for me to write. I have been wanting to write a piece about the detrimental effects of child abuse and neglect on the individual and society since we first began this column back in January. I had never intended to make this article so personal, not because I didn’t want to, but because I didn’t think I was capable of feeling my emotions enough to really connect this issue (which Aireen and I both feel is one of the most important and ignored issues facing humanity) with my own personal story.

Sitting at the computer keyboard today, I realize that it is imperative to my own healing journey that I embrace the power of stories to change ourselves and our world by telling my own. Hopefully, telling my story will be helpful to the healing journeys of others, and will encourage those who read it to speak out and tell their stories. At the very least, I hope it will aid others in beginning to understand the severity of what happened to them, of what has been happening to children and adults all over the world for untold generations, and how at the heart of war and violence is the perpetuation of abuse and neglect by those who were themselves abused and neglected.

My aim is to live to see the end of war, to be a co-creator of peace on Earth, and I know that I, with many others, will live to see this dream come true. But creating true peace can only be complete when we create peace within ourselves. This involves healing the inner wounds that have been with us since we were children, sometimes before we could even consciously remember being hurt – in the womb, at birth and in the hours & days following birth, and during our earliest years. We have to be willing to dig deep into our personal and collective histories, to face squarely the fact that it is never “okay” or excusable for a child to be ridiculed, slapped, ignored, talked down to, manipulated, made to feel ashamed, or otherwise mistreated, and that such mistreatment leaves lasting scars and baggage that are not always apparent at first glance. We have to be willing to face the fact that children are very intelligent and highly sensitive equals who have rights and deserve to be regarded with respect. We have been living in a world that treats children like lesser beings:

• to be “seen and not heard”
• to be held with scorn, disapproval, or irritation when the child cries
• to be punished for not listening to adults (who are themselves often impatient, self-centered, and fail to explain with honesty, clarity, creativity, and an understanding of the child’s innocence and unique perspective).

Some adults would not admit to agreeing with the above, but in practice, the children’s needs, emotions, and even outbursts of joy are often viewed as an interference to the social or business agenda of adults, thought to be more important than the child’s agenda. The truth is that WE really ought to be listening to THEM, the children, for they are truly our wisest teachers. Our children’s health and the health of the planet that they will inherit is entrusted to us, the adults, but that does not mean that the adults are “the boss”. We are servants of love and compassion whose mission is a sacred one. We have forgotten the language of purity and simple wisdom that is every human being’s birthright. It is time to remember that language once again. It is time to heal.

This is where my story, like so many others, begins.

A LIFE’S FOUNDATION

I was born to parents who, themselves abused and emotionally neglected, carried out the legacy of their own abuse and neglect on myself and my two brothers, me being the middle child. From as far back as I can remember, I was afraid of my father, because at any moment, without warning, he could snap and be physically and emotionally violent. I remember being punched, slapped, kicked, called names, and even hit with furniture whenever he went on one of his rampages. He often worked nights and would sleep during the day, and if my older brother and I made the slightest bit of noise to wake him up, he would storm out of his room, his face beet red, and beat both of us, cursing and yelling as the blows rained down on our confused and helpless bodies. We usually never saw him at all. He was, for the most part, uninvolved in our lives.

To this day, I still do not feel like I had a father at all; there was and is no father-child connection between us. A father is supposed to love and accept his child unconditionally, to be emotionally available and engaged in the upbringing and formation of the life that he has helped to create, not just put food on the table. To merely provide clothing, food, and shelter without providing consistent affection, nurturing, and a nonviolent upbringing is no proof of fatherhood. This lack of connection with the man who was supposed to be my father has been, in some ways, more painful to me than the overt physical and emotional abuse. It has created a void within me, a confusing and painful emptiness and lack of self-identity that I think affects all children who have not known what it is like to have a real father, or a real mother.

My mother, in her treatment of me, expressed only cruelty, coldness, violence, and indifference. There was no maternal connection whatsoever; no mother-child bond ever existed between us, and none exists to this day. She simply did not know what it meant to be a mother in the emotional sense. She cooked us food and cleaned up after us, but many times this was done with an air of resentment, directed mostly towards me. She was very clear in her favoritism of my older brother and vocal in her dislike of me, saying on a few occasions that she wished I was never born. The only time she ever said “I love you” throughout my whole childhood was when I was nine years old, after my grandfather died. There was never any physical affection from her or from my father. When there was any physical contact at all, it was usually of a violent nature.

HOME IS WHERE THE HEART IS

My childhood home was an emotionally cold and violent place. There was constantly tension in the air, and you never felt safe no matter where you went, because at any moment, somebody could burst into your space and start yelling at you, beating you, or ridiculing you, and there was nothing you could do about it. I became almost completely numb emotionally, because it wasn’t safe to express my emotions in that environment. I was either ignored, mocked, slapped, or told to “shut up”. There were rare occasions when the tension eased a little bit, but I barely remember them because I was so full of fear and tension by an early age that I was scarcely able to enjoy those times, let alone the majority of my childhood.

The pain and fear of living in that house became so overwhelming that I began to literally shut down. I became numb to my own emotions, to the point that I could no longer remember entire blocks of my childhood or even recall that I had felt any pain at all. There were still pictures and images, but the feelings that went along with much of my early years, and which form the very foundation of memory itself, had faded to the point where I could barely feel anything anymore, past or present. As an adult, it gradually became more and more difficult for me to function in the day-to-day world, because I was so stuffed with the repressed pain of those early years that I had little energy left to devote to even the most menial of everyday tasks, like dressing myself and fixing a meal. Even getting out of bed in the morning became an almost unbearable chore.

To this day, it is difficult for me to function as a “normal” human being, because of the fatigue, bodily aches and pains, and fits of crying and depression that I experience on a daily basis as a result of the overwhelming trauma that I experienced as a child. I know that I am not the only survivor of child abuse and neglect that has experienced or is experiencing these challenges as an adult, but few of us find the forum and the courage to speak about them, let alone recognize the root causes of our difficulties. We are still affected as adults by the injustice, inadequate or non-existent nurturing, and absence of a safe place to express our feelings that we experienced as children. Fortunately, I am blessed to have an unconditionally loving, understanding partner who knows what I am going through, is willing to listen and create a safe environment for me to express my emotions, and never judges me even when my emotional outbursts create a disturbance in the harmony of our day-to-day existence.

DOWNPLAYING, DENIAL, AND OTHER WAYS WE AVOID THE TRUTH

As a child and on into my early twenties (I am twenty-seven), I convinced myself that I was to blame for my parents’ abuse, and I even told myself and others that this abuse had “toughened me up” and was “good for me”. These are lies that many people tell themselves to stave off the inevitable truth: that they were abused by somebody they loved and/or trusted, and that this abuse hurt them deeply and still hurts years later, despite the passage of time. It is not true, then, that time necessarily heals all wounds. The wounds of abuse, if we do not face them, stay with us and can deeply affect our lives until we die. I know people that are carrying baggage that is sixty or more years old. They are barely aware of it, because they’ve been carrying it for so long without acknowledgment, or they were hurt so deeply from such a young age that they’ve become numb to it. Many of them have, unaware and unwittingly, carried out their unresolved traumas on their children, and if their children do not become aware of it, they risk unconsciously doing the same to their children, and on and on until this cycle is finally broken.

My case may seem severe and even incomprehensible to some. I do not attempt to downplay the severity of it, for instance by saying, “so many people had it much worse than I”. I think that any instance of abuse, no matter how “small” or “insignificant”, even if:

• “it’s just a slap”
• “nobody was physically hurt”
• “there was shouting and screaming but only every now and then”
• “he never hugged me, but he still loved me so it didn’t affect me”
• “I was spanked, but I turned out fine”
• “it was for my own good”
• “it only happened once”, or
• “it could have been worse”

is severe enough to be unacceptable because of its detriment to human life. What is important is not to what DEGREE one was abused or neglected, but what EFFECT each instance of abuse had on the individual who was abused. Likewise, the fact that some people cope with abuse and neglect in seemingly healthier ways than others is no proof that any form of abuse is at all acceptable or should be taken lightly.

This is a qualitative, not quantitative, issue of the heart. A child finds no comfort in being told that an instance of abuse or neglect was not “as bad as it could have been”. No matter how small a wound or cut, the healthy response is to take care of it. A chef doesn’t ignore a bleeding finger in the kitchen with the reasoning, “at least I didn’t chop it off!” This metaphor is not perfect, but the essence is: if you have been hurt, then you need to assess the severity of your wounds by reflecting how they have affected you throughout your life, by feeling your emotions, and by making a commitment to healing yourself, as long as it takes, until you are whole again. Band-aids may help in the short-term, but if you keep cutting your finger, or realize you’ve been putting band-aid after band-aid on a major gash, then you need to take a look at the larger issue, and help yourself as well as get help – for example, by opening up to a trusted friend, counselor, or other support system such as journaling and creative expression.

Many people tend to second guess themselves or deny that they were abused altogether, because we have been taught to accept that abuse is just a way of life, or we have been taught to “honor our father and mother” without daring to question their actions. Some may even view it as disrespectful or “finger-pointing” to hold one’s parents accountable for their behavior. The point of accountability is not to place blame, but to establish justice. In true justice, there is no disrespect, no scapegoating, no blame for the sake of blame. There is only healing, reconciliation, and honoring of those who have been abused by recognizing what has happened and holding the abuser(s) responsible. As human beings, we have a personal responsibility to identify and strive to refrain from all that which destroys life, even if it means potentially “dishonoring” our abusers in the process. I do not think it is ever dishonorable to hold your parents or any other authority figure accountable for their behavior, because in doing so, you do the utmost honor and justice not only to yourself and all of life, but to the life that is within them.

Some people have said to me, “This is just the way it was. Why don’t you get over it and move on?” These are words from people who have come to be complacent with the abuse committed against them, and abuse in general, accepting it as some kind of natural force that we just have to learn to live with – like rainy days or traffic. But I have come to learn that abuse is not natural, and that a person who has been abused cannot ever hope to fully mature and blossom as a human being until the trauma of abuse and neglect is healed. There is no “getting over it” or “moving on”. The trauma stays with you – in dreams, in fears, in restless thoughts, in the unfolding of your life and relationships, in your health, in the cells of your body, and in lessons not yet learned that continue to manifest as different situations in your life, until you find the courage to face it and allow yourself to fully feel and comprehend what really happened to you. Facing and naming the past while healing in the present honors the child that you were, loves the person that you are today, and frees you to be who you truly are in your tomorrow. There is a favorite phrase of mine that sums it up: “If we can’t face it, God can’t fix it.”

ON THE PATH OF HEALING

So how do we begin to face the trauma of abuse and neglect and heal it in our own lives and in the world? What long-term effects does the mistreatment of children have on individuals and society as a whole? How does the unresolved trauma of abuse and neglect affect how we treat our children, how they treat their children, and so on? How does unresolved child abuse help cause and perpetuate war, violent crime, racism, and even the rise of tyrannical dictatorships? What books, resources, and sense of community are available to those on the path of healing?

We must do all that we can to end the cycle of abuse once and for all through personal healing, by refusing to take part in or support any form of abuse, whether physical, emotional, spiritual, economic, political, or social, by advocating for the rights of all children, and by honoring the children who we are blessed to have in our lives. Violence, greed, and indifference are not inevitable parts of human nature, as has been erroneously repeated and accepted as truth by so many. Human beings are and always have been inherently good, inherently peaceful, inherently caring – like a healthy newborn baby. It is only when we begin to face the trauma of abuse in ourselves and society and heal that trauma that we recognize the transitory nature of violence, greed, and indifference. It is then that goodness, peace, and caring reveal themselves as the true, inevitable foundations of human existence.

Until next week, The Hot Potato is in your hands.
Peace be with you, and please pass it on.

See Next: Healing Trauma In Ourselves And Our World – part 2

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A Video About Healing From Child Abuse -

Thank you “Blue” for sharing your art & your healing through these videos.
Peace and love to all on the path of healing,
and peace and love to all children, past present & future.