* Healing Trauma In Ourselves And Our World – part 2

* Understanding the effects of abuse & trauma on the individual and the world – including holistic healing, the life-changing work of Alice Miller, how we can all be someone’s candle in the closet, and the healer’s palette. Adam reflects more on his childhood, while he and Aireen illustrate how healing yourself and helping another is nothing less than the mechanism to bring everlasting peace on Earth. *

THE HOT POTATO
Serving Up a Weekly Helping of
Sustainable & Organic Gardening, Food, Health, and Community

by Adam Brockman & Aireen Joven, June 2007, #21

THIS WEEK’S DISH:

The Peace To End All Wars:
Healing Trauma In Ourselves And Our World – part 2

“It is not true that evil, destructiveness, and perversion inevitably form part of human existence… But it is true that we are daily producing more evil and, with it, an ocean of suffering for millions that is absolutely avoidable. When one day the ignorance arising from childhood repression is eliminated and humanity has awakened, an end can be put to the production of evil.”
- Alice Miller
from her book Banished Knowledge: Facing Childhood Injurie

MY FIRST BIG remembrance and healing experience occurred while I was living in the South of France, when I was twenty-one years old. I happened to be reading a magazine article in which a woman who had been sexually abused by one of her parents was telling her story. As I read her words, I felt a huge wave of sadness and pain well up from deep inside of me, and I burst out crying. I cried for several minutes, unable to stop, feeling wave after wave of pain. There were no pictures, no specific images to match what I was feeling, but I knew where it was coming from. I was beginning to remember what had happened to me. This woman’s words had helped me catch a glimpse of the truth.

THE ANSWER IS WITHIN

Even after this powerful experience, I kept going back and forth, second-guessing myself and searching for other reasons why I felt so numbed, fatigued, and mentally despondent so much of the time. I tried extensive periods of fasting, a month of eating raw foods, acupuncture, yoga, meditation, breathing exercises, healing herbs, and nutritional supplements, hoping one or more of these things would be “the answer”. Of course, none of these by themselves provided the cure, but each has been an integral part of my healing journey. Today I regularly practice yoga, meditation, and breathing exercises for physical and emotional well-being, and my knowledge of nutrition, herbs, and the benefits of raw food and fasting have helped me find a balance in my life that I have never known before. The reason these practices have all brought such great benefits is because I no longer cling to any of them as “the answer”, but see them all as being important pieces in the holistic puzzle of health and healing.

I began to search for books that could help me understand what was happening to me and how I could go about healing. Among the handful of great books that came out of that search, I credit the works of Alice Miller, Ph.D., next to the Ringing Cedars books, as being by far the most inspiring and influential. Reading Alice Miller’s works was, for me, like being handed the keys to unlock not only my personal history, but the collective history of all humankind. She was the first author I ever read that recognized the destructive, isolating consequences of childhood repression and who was not afraid to call such repression what it is: a crime. A psychologist and award-winning author, Miller was also the first author I read who asserted, point-blank, that the roots of violence and “evil” can always be traced back to the mistreatment of the perpetrator as a child. Few authors have had the insight or the courage to make these statements before or since, let alone provide the revelatory case histories and personal insights she has offered to back her statements up.

Murderers and dictators, she claims, are not born, but are made that way by the severe abuse that is enacted on them by their parents. Miller illustrates this using the lives of Adolf Hitler, Josef Stalin, and Saddam Hussein, to name a few. In the book For Your Own Good, Miller, who lives in Switzerland, demonstrates how Hitler was severely abused by his father while his emotionally disconnected mother stood by and watched. Unable to find a voice of compassion or understanding throughout his entire childhood, Hitler eventually carried out the abuse that had been dealt against him on not his own children (he never had any), but on entire nations and millions of people. With Stalin, there are variations to his childhood story, but the nature of his abuse and the eventual outcome are eerily similar. With dictator after dictator, murderer after murderer, Miller demonstrates the common thread running through all of their lives: severe childhood repression and abuse, and a lack of any compassionate observer during childhood to offer a glimpse of light and hope in the darkness.

THE CANDLE IN THE CLOSET: HELPING AND ENLIGHTENED WITNESSES

So why is it that one person who is severely abused as a child turns out to be a dictator while another person, equally abused, confronts the abuse and lives a life committing no crimes? Perhaps it is not an inherent difference between the two children themselves, but a difference in the people who came into their lives during childhood. According to Alice Miller, there are two kinds of people who, if they form a relationship with a child who has been mistreated, can be crucial to helping that child break free from the cycle of abuse and neglect. There is a quote by Rushworth M. Kidder, found in the book From the Ashes: A Spiritual Response to the Attack on America, in the chapter called “The Candle And The Closet”:

“Just as a single candle can destroy a whole closetful of darkness, so a single life, lived in the light of goodness, can make an enormous difference in overcoming the reverberating void that calls itself terror and blackness. If that’s the case, is it any wonder that any one of us…banding together with a few others in unity of action, really can change the world?”

The “single candle” that can destroy a closetful of darkness is a good symbol for what Miller refers to as helping witnesses and enlightened witnesses, who are key to saving an abused child and a suffering world from a future of even greater suffering.

Though they may not even know the child is being abused, helping witnesses are shining lights and models of love and caring that are otherwise absent in a child’s home life. Helping witnesses are able to offer compassion and support that the child might not otherwise have at home. In my own childhood, my grandfather and grandmother were my helping witnesses. Though we only saw each other on weekends, my grandfather taught me how to read, write, and play chess by the time I was three years old, and he was the only adult in my life who would consistently play games with me, fly kites, and do the things that I wanted to do. Though he seemed to have no idea of what was happening to us at home, he was consistently respectful of us and provided a fun, safe place for us to play, be creative, and just be kids. If it had not been for the love and attention of my grandparents, particularly my grandfather, I’m not sure what kind of person I would be today, or if I would have survived my childhood at all.

An enlightened witness is a person who supports the recovering person in his or her adult life. An enlightened witness may be a friend, partner, therapist, counselor, or any other individual whom one can turn to for support and to share thoughts and feelings about the effects of the trauma or abuse one experienced. We can all be helping and enlightened witnesses for one another, and we all need helping and enlightened witnesses as children and into adulthood. You may already be a helping witness to a young person in your life, and may not even fully realize how your kind words, nonjudgmental support, or loving involvement, no matter how infrequent or insignificant in your eyes, will have a lasting impact on the child’s life, because your genuine care and attention in their life is a positive example that, through the child’s eyes, makes the world a brighter place. Your example will be remembered into the child’s adulthood. Our actions, though some go unseen and seemingly unrewarded, do make a world of a difference.

Imagine how a child, abused at home, ignored or ridiculed at school, and without any genuine, positive sources of support from others, could grow and make sense of the world? We hope that all children will have someone, at least one candle, in their lives who can banish a world seen as dark, cruel, and hopeless. We hope that the adults who have grown up with this distorted world view will still find someone, anyone, just one candle in their closet, to awaken their hearts to the child they once were, the child who only wanted to be loved and respected. We hope it is realized that the opportunity to face the past and heal in this life is still available.

WHERE DO THE CHILDREN PLAY?

When understood through Alice Miller’s sensitive, compassionate, and insightful world view that connects an abused child who did not have even one positive witness growing up, with this same child who later becomes the abusive parent or even murderous political figure, it becomes crystal clear how important it is for each of us, as individuals, in our families, in our communities, and on an institutional scale, to become 24-7 advocates for the rights and needs of all children – including universal, not-for-profit, holistic healthcare; healthy food grown without toxic chemicals and genetic engineering; an unexploited and unpolluted world made for children; and natural, peaceful homes made with respect for the Earth.

Who will be the ones to create a world that is made for children? Who will be the ones to build homes and create families that are based on mutual respect and unconditional love? We’re not alone in this endeavor. In fact, we can turn to the children themselves for the answer. We can ask them, or at least ask ourselves: what kind of world do you want to see? What are your needs, your dreams, and your loves? How do we help create this world? How do the children help create this world too?

In the U.S. government, so many politicians are not casting their votes and are not writing their bills through the eyes of a child. Others are trying to help children, but it is the children who know best what is needed, what is most important, what is urgent on the To Do List. Remember that scene in Michael Moore’s documentary Fahrenheit 9-11? We think it went something like this… Moore interviews three young kids, who all happen to be supporting George W. Bush in the upcoming presidential election. Moore asks them something about what they consider to be the most important issue for a president to work on. All three boys choose the environment. The parents or community of these three kids may support Bush, whose Administration’s policies go against efforts to help the environment and directly contribute to great destruction and continued pollution, and they support Bush too, but the kids inherently know that, above all, we need clean air, water, and land.

There is also a child in each of us that we can connect to, the child that we all once were. Connecting with this child has helped us to better understand why we have forgotten to listen to children in the first place. When we repress the pain of childhood abuse, which is an important survival mechanism for a child who has nowhere else to turn to except to “turn off”, we may end up numbing ourselves to all emotions in the process, not just pain but also laughter and joy as well as compassion, trust, and the ability to love. The post-traumatic stress and emotional disconnection may subconsciously continue into adulthood. As recovering adults, who are now more able to consciously cope with the pain, we need to restore our emotional connection to our selves and the world. As recovering adults, it is now “safe” for us to feel what, in some cases, was literally not safe to feel as children – anger, sadness, hurt, confusion, shock, pain, and fear. Perhaps, during childhood, we did not have an enlightened witness to talk to. We disconnected. As adults on the healing path, we are empowered to reconnect, seek help, and help ourselves.

THE HEALER’S PALETTE

When it has come to my own healing journey, there have been many powerful tools and forms of expression that have helped me, and continue to help me find peace. The power of the written word, through journaling, creative writing, and reading (especially the stories of others), has helped me put form to and release emotions that might have otherwise been inaccessible. I’m currently using a workbook entitled Healing the Trauma of Abuse, which uses writing exercises, affirmations, and visualization to aid in the remembering and release of trauma. It’s geared specifically towards women, but I just substitute the references from female to male in most instances, and I’ve actually found it helpful in working through sexuality issues that I’ve had with women all of my life. I have only been using it for two weeks and have already found much benefit in some of the various exercises.

Art and creative expression are some of the most valuable healing tools in existence. The depth of feeling evoked in both the appreciation and creation of art has the ability to fundamentally change a person, to put them in touch with their higher self and thus reveal and clear away age-old myths and painful memories long forgotten. In music, as a performer and writer as well as a listener, I have found a tool that is unmatched in its ability to evoke powerful emotions, remembrances, and healing images. In the expressive movement of dance, the experience of emotionally heartfelt cinema and theater performances, and the evocative imagery and form of collage, sculpture, drawing, and painting, I have found untold inspiration and insight into what it means to be a human being.

The healing power of Nature is unmatched. Walking among the trees and wild plants of the forest, working in the garden, watching plants grow, breathing fresh air, and being caressed by the leaves and tall grasses – all of these help us to remember who we are. Basking in the radiance and warmth of the sunshine, feeling the cool breeze in one’s hair, laying in the grass under a tree with nothing to do but watch the sky and dream – these moments, I feel, are crucial to human existence. In the presence of such natural wonders as a weeping willow or a tomato plant, I have been moved to tears, able at last to find my true feelings in the peace and relaxation automatically afforded by these self-regenerating works of art – feelings I could not feel before, feelings I had repressed and almost forgotten.

Most of all, just talking about what happened to me and finding people who have been willing to listen without judgment has been the key to helping me remember and face the painful emotions I have been carrying in silence my whole life. I saw a therapist briefly, and though it was a difficult decision to make, I was rewarded with an open-hearted, good listener who helped me gain a fresh perspective on what I was going through. A few years ago, I confronted my mother and father about their emotional and physical abuse, and although in the end they did nothing to change themselves or try to repair the rifts between us (which I now know are irreparable), it was a huge achievement for me and a big help in understanding how the cycles of abuse get passed on from generation to generation. I have been able to tell a few close friends, and as I mentioned in the previous article, I have been blessed to have a partner in my life who loves and respects me unconditionally and is always willing to listen, talk freely about her own feelings, and provide a safe place for me to feel and express my pain. In this way, she has also been one of my greatest teachers, for she has been for me what I now know all of us must become for each other and for ourselves: enlightened witnesses, messengers of truth, accountability, and healing, and harbingers of everlasting peace on Earth.

Until next week, The Hot Potato is in your hands. Peace be with you, and pass it on!

See also: Healing Trauma In Ourselves And Our World – part 1

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Where Do The Children Play?
Music by Cat Stevens, Images from “The Lorax” by Dr. Seuss
Hat Tip: Celsias

If children don’t need a thneed, then what is it that they need?